The Angel's Handfasting
by PaperPrince
Summary: It was a rather splendid morning warm and sunny, a perfect day for a wedding. Aziraphale had only recently heard about weddings but they seemed to be pleasant joyous occasions, the sort of thing an angel should be encouraging. He was looking forward to sending heaven a report about it. Aziraphale accidentally ends up at the alter. Thankfully Crowley is there to save him.


Aziraphale angel of the lord, had enjoyed visiting temples since humans started building them. Of course he found it interesting how humans had started inventing gods for themselves to worship. He wasn't entirely sure what "up there" thought about it, but it wasn't his job to worry. As it was his superiors seemed pretty pleased with his blessings and reports and whatnot. So it was probably best not to worry about multiple gods or how most of the female statues the humans made to worship were insufficiently dressed.

That morning Aziraphale had put on his best clothes. He thought it only right since he was going to visit a house of god. He had been invited to visit one of the newer temples, with a kindly young merchant he had recently befriended and his lovely kind daughter.1 Aziraphale had become somehow, the nice girl's tutor, teaching her to read and write something that was still very new and exciting.2

It was a rather splendid morning warm and sunny, a perfect day for a wedding, which was some new special event humans had invented. Aziraphale had only recently heard about weddings but they seemed to be pleasant joyous occasions, the sort of thing an angel should be encouraging. He was looking forward to sending heaven a report about it. And he was maybe a little hopeful there may be food involved. He was very partial to cake of any kind.

The angel found his friends waiting for him inside the temple. The temple was just exquisite, big and airy with solid white pillars wrapped with ivy and cut flowers brightening every inch of free space. Aziraphale smiled thinking idly how Crowley would enjoy all the plants. Thinking about Crowley made his heart feel all warm and tingly. Hopefully Crowley was somewhere close enjoying the sunny climate.

"Congratulations my son." Said the merchant, a big broad man whose name is not really important in the grand scheme of things. He slapped Aziraphale's shoulder in an affectionate but painful manner, as he spoke.

"Thank you sir." Beamed Aziraphale politely, then added with a confused tilt of the head. "Um what for exactly?" He asked wringing his hands awkwardly, privately aware of many good things he had done recently, but nothing a regular human would know about.

"My daughter. Isn't she a lovely bride?" Asked the merchant abruptly changing the topic.3

"Well yes." Aziraphale agreed. What was this man trying to tell him? He felt more and more confused by this whole conversation. Perhaps he'd misheard or mistranslated something. Everything had been a lot easier before the whole mess in Babel with that tower.4

He glanced briefly at his student who stood timidly besides her father, and noted that he was not the only one who had dressed up for worship. The flower crown upon her head, he thought was a nice touch. He enjoyed cataloguing all these new human customs as they sprang up and society evolved.

Aziraphale's thoughts drifted to Crowley as his human friend talked to him about the upcoming ceremony.

The angel smiled and nodded as if listening. Had he been paying attention he would have heard the merchant say. "My daughter has grown very fond of you and your strange stories these last few weeks. She'll make the best wife for you I'm sure. She's very keen to travel and see your homeland. It is far away is it not? I will miss her but you will come back to me with goods of your country. And we will make a fortune selling together with my knowledge and your learning."

Aziraphale hummed a non-committal reply, deciding that when he next saw Crowley he would treat him to dinner at his favourite restaurant.

"Are we all ready?" Asked the priest as he walked over, joining the small trio in the quiet temple, having appeared to have materialised out of nowhere. Aziraphale looked behind them again more carefully and noted a small door hidden behind a pillar, and relaxed a little.

Both the merchant and his daughter both nodded, Aziraphale was surprised that the priest would begin already. Surely they needed to wait for the man, the um husband to be? He wondered. He looked around again fairly certain that a marriage involved a human man and woman who adored each other (or at the very least liked each other). He looked at his merchant friend and his daughter and felt a little pale. No surely not, he thought.

To add to Aziraphale's confusion the bride took his hands in hers, as the priest unrolled a scroll.

"Before we give this lady to Mr Fell, I must first order the evil spirits away from this temple so as not to curse this union." The priest explained beginning to chant and throwing some herbs about.

"Ah." Aziraphale says as everything suddenly makes sense. He feels as if a very large boulder has suddenly crashed on top of him as he rethinks normal conversations from the past few days. His friends had been very interested in his opinions regarding the wedding. He has the sudden blinding realisation that all the things he had been doing to help with the wedding preparation were perhaps more than one would request of a good friend. He had given the merchant a lot of money after all.

He looks at the merchant, the merchant's daughter and the priest and felt his hands go unusually sweaty. It occurred to him that he might just happen to be at his own wedding. Immediately he should stop this. As sweet as she was he did not love the human girl. Besides angels did not get married to wasa rule "up there". Aziraphale knew this, he'd done a training seminar and everything.5

His panicked mind went blank. As he tried to figure out what to do. This was not good, but he did not want to be rude. How awful the poor girl would feel, being left at the altar.

On the other hand he was bound to get into a lot of trouble. Possibly even-

"Mr Fell? Are there any Gods in particular you would like to ask for a blessing?"

He's aware he should be saying something, fixing this mess he has somehow ended up getting all over his shoes (metaphorically speaking), however Aziraphale's eye was drawn at that moment to a lovely little snake slowly across the floor towards his sandals, hissing quietly as to draw his attention and his alone. Aziraphale's heart soared inside his chest. Thank heavens Crowley had come to save him. No one else seemed to notice the snake slithering along the ground, so the angel kept quiet not wanting to cause unnecessarily alarm just yet. Crowley was very imaginative. He'd have a bright and brilliant idea. He was certain of it.

As the snake slithered closer Aziraphale saw to his disappointment that its eyes were not familiar yellow, realising with a knife to his heart that it is not his frenemy. With a sharp pang to his human body Aziraphale finds himself near tears, disappointed for foolishly thinking that just maybe Crowley had come to save him. It had been years since their last meeting and of it was ridiculous of course for a demon to save an angel. Crowley wasn't even in the habit of taking his original form often.

He bit his lip and tried to find his courage. He didn't need Crowley. Or a miracle. He could get of this himself and simply break the poor girl's heart himself. "I'm terribly sorry everyone. I've had a lovely time but I really think I must be going." He let go of her hands quickly and took a step backwards avoiding anyone's eyes.

"You what?" Hollered the merchant sounding less and less friendly and more confused and upset. He went to hit Aziraphale soundly on the head to knock some sense into him but miraculously missed as the angel moved several paces closer to the door in the blink of an eye. Aziraphale straightened his robes and risked a quick glance back as he tried to flee. To his relief his bride-not-to-be did not seem distressed at being left at the altar.

Aziraphale was almost at the door when it opened with a loud bang.

"Stop. I object!" Yelled a familiar voice. The temple priest looked up from his scroll, very confused.6 Which was to be expected as this was the first time someone had objected to a marriage during the actual ceremony.7

The small wedding party, the priest, Aziraphale, the merchant and his daughter all looked towards the door where the demon Crowley stood, glaring at them all very crossly. Confusion spread across their faces, except for Aziraphale's which was filled with joy and happiness at the sight of his friend.

"Crowley" He cried happily surprised by Crowley's sudden appearance. It was so unexpected given that they had just had lunch together just two months ago. But then again the demon was good at knowing when he was in trouble.

"I'm afraid this marriage is cancelled." Crowley shouted waving his hands and waddling towards them at quiet some speed. As he came closer, Aziraphale realised that Crowley who was usually roughly the same human shape was currently female, her red hair long and curly and wearing a fancy white dress.8 This was unusual for Crowley but she looked good. Stunning, angelic almost.9

"What the blazes is going on? Who are you? What are you doing here? How does Mr Fell know you?" Demanded the merchant finding his tongue first.

"That man is a demon!" Cried Crowley dramatically and pointing at Aziraphale. "He cannot marry your daughter when I demand reparation from him."

Aziraphale frowned and turned around quickly. The last thing he needed was a demon showing up here that wasn't Crowley. But there was no one behind him and Crowley was still pointing.

"Me?" He replied a little offended and worried. He wasn't entirely sure if Crowley was acting or really upset with him. "What did I do dearest?" He asked wringing his hands.

Crowley brought a hand to her stomach which seemed bigger than usual. "That Wiley demon seduced me and ruined me and made me with child."

Aziraphale's face went red. "I'm afraid I don't recall. Oh perhaps I had too much wine. I am terribly sorry." He apologised sincerely. The merchant and his daughter stared at Aziraphale with shocked faces.10

Composing herself first Aziraphale's bride spoke up. "If this is indeed the case then I cannot marry you." Crowley grinned wickedly. "You must of course marry her instead!" she added taking Crowley's hand and giving it a comforting squeeze.

Crowley almost fell over standing upright. "You what?" She said shocked. "It is the proper thing to do if there is a baby involved!" Agreed the priest.

Aziraphale stared at Crowley as if she had just taken the last piece of fish. "May I speak with my uh lady friend for just a moment?" Aziraphale asked gripping Crowley gently by the elbow and steered her away from human earshot.

"What are you doing here?"

Crowley pouted. "You don't have to be so mean about it." she put her hands upon her hips and looked hurt. "I came here to help you! What the hell do you think you are playing at Angel? After all I've done for you? Marriage? With some child you barely know? Do you really like that human over there? You will fall you know." She said her yellow eyes dark and serious.

"Of course I didn't mean to end up at the altar. It was merely an accident, you know me Crowley. I wouldn't fall for a human." He swore, leaving the rest of his sentence unsaid but looking at Crowley lovingly.

"You and your soft heart." Crowley sighed poking at his chest. "You must have been cursed by the god of mischief."

Aziraphale took Crowley's hand in his and smiled at her.

"Is no one going to marry my daughter?" Sighed the merchant ruining the moment.

The priest looked at the bride. "I have a few goats I could trade you for her. Assuming there is no wedding to be done today?" He asked looking pointedly at the ethereal beings in human form who were still holding hands.

Crowley batted a feminine eye at Aziraphale who tutted. "You cannot be serious about this. Me marry you? I don't want you to get in trouble with below." Aziraphale whispered.

Crowley smiled. "You're sweet to worry about me angel. I'll be fine. They love me down there. Besides think of the child." She said patting the cushion stuck up her dress.11

Aziraphale's face softened. "Yes well when you put it like that you make a certain kind of sense." He said putting his hand on Crowley's stomach.

Crowley went suddenly pale and her heart stopped. She placed one hand on top of Aziraphale's. "Wait." She started to say worried the joke had gone too far.

"-It would be a shame if little Pillow was born out of wedlock." Aziraphale cut in his eyes twinkling. "When in Rome I suppose. But not a word of this to anyone. Upstairs would not approve." He said using a miracle to create some rings.

"If you're uncertain I suppose you can always get this undone later or something. I think they've invented that right? Un-weddings?" The priest suggested sounding uncertain.

Crowley nodded. "Sure, sure." She agreed, turning back towards the priest. "Marry us before he changes his mind."

* * *

They are sitting outside enjoying a large and delicious banquet just the two of them and candle light when Aziraphale had a revelation. "I just realized that priest, he reports to God, what if both sides find out about this."

"It'll be fine." Crowley assures him, petting his leg. "He doesn't report to the creator upstairs he reports to one of those other gods. The ones humans invented. The ground didn't even burn. So it doesn't count, none of it counts. We're fine. Come on I am dying for some more wine." She patted the cushion bump and refilled the wine jug with her demonic powers. "It's good for the baby, that and ooh Oysters. Share Angel you owe me for saving you." She said reaching to take the plate away from Aziraphale."

Aziraphale handed the plate over willingly and hummed thoughtfully. "Oh I think that it counts dearest I mean we love each other don't we?"

Crowley's face went red and she spilled her wine. Aziraphale miricaled her dress clean and avoided her beautiful yellow eyes. "Did I misunderstand?" He asked quietly.

Crowley swore at the fake gods and pulled him close. "Of course not Angel." She said softly kissing his cheek. "Only it may be best to keep this between us husband. Our little secret arrangement."

* * *

Notes: Footnotes 1) Everyone was young to an immortal angel. Even a 50 year old merchant and his 30 year old spinster daughter. 2) The angel took great pride in teaching anyone who asked for his assistance. 3) The Merchant had a name of course and at one time Aziraphale did recall it, but there were so many humans now it was starting to get confusing. 4) That had been a very annoying experience as no one had anticipated an angel or demon being amongst the observers. Which had led to the two of them spending a night together under the stars learning how to communicate with their bodies rather than words. This night would eventually lead to the creation of a rather frustrating game called Charades, which had gotten Crowley a rather large commendation, one of the few he actually deserved. 5) The seminar was actually about not having sex with humans but it was probably just as forbidden. Ironically enough Gabriel had joked that Aziraphale of all the angels was the least likely to break this rule, given how he was so into books. 6) The priest had been focused on reading the difficult bits of the vows aloud and had not noticed the groom slowly fleeing. 7) It was later to become very popular especially among television shows, which were of course along with the television itself hundreds of years away from being invented. 8) Crowley would later deny wearing a white dress and insist that it was a very, very light grey Wearing white was unusual for demons since they fell, but dresses and being female or at least presenting as such was perfectly acceptable. 9) Both had assumed that Aziraphale was gay until that moment. 10) While more than happy to make himself temporarily female, Crowley had used the cushion as she did not want to accidentally end up pregnant for real. For one thing it would mean a hell of a lot of paperwork.


End file.
